


Hide & Seek

by richmomsuho



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Mentions of past self harm, Past Sexual Abuse, angst and pain, this fic is pure aNGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 19:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4637505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/richmomsuho/pseuds/richmomsuho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>yifan has always been water - always moving and always shifting. zitao, on the other hand has always been dry, hard packed earth. </p>
<p>zitao looks at his life that’s covered in mud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hide & Seek

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by hide and seek by imogen heap- i listened to the amber run cover way too much while writing this

17

zitao and yifan go on holiday to prague. yifan had spent a gap year there years ago, and from its cobbled streets to the mountains scattered across the landscape like spilled salt - he wanted to show zitao everything. they drive the network of motorways for hours, but regardless of the inked paths yifan traces on the map with his fingertips, they miss their exit time and time again. tao laughs in time with the rumbling engine the entire way between where they are now, and the next exit where they can backtrack and try again.

16

yifan’s parents had finally taken the leap and moved into their summer home in italy, and had asked zitao and yifan to pack up the house where yifan had spent his childhood. while the initial plan had been for him and zitao to clean up as quickly as they possibly can, yifan ends up cross legged opposite zitao in his parents room, telling him stories from his childhood surrounded by the soft lit pictures on the wall and dusty carpet thick with memories.

‘and this,’ yifan picks up a box covered in shells, ‘has all of little jiaheng’s baby teeth in it’

‘gross!’ zitao groans, but it’s distorted by the grin pulling his cheeks apart. he swipes at the box, but yifan lifts it out of reach, tutting.

‘this isn’t for your clammy paws, zitao. little jiaheng spent hours collecting each shell and years collecting each tooth’ he says sagely.

zitao imagines yifan in boots and picking up shells back when he thought that he was as great and mighty as the ocean he lived beside. tao looks at his mortal yifan, and thinks there must be a rule that prevents someone from squeezing your heart like this.

15

zitao’s mum dies. zitao is in disbelief, and finally, grief. yifan is there while zitao is crying so hard he throws up, he’s there when zitao pushes him away to be alone, and he’s there in the morning with open arms when zitao decides to come back to him again.

14

they move to a new city, and zitao doesn’t like it. the people here are too sad, too grey. yifan doesn’t understand, he’s too busy looking upwards; his eyes too full of skyscrapers.

13

chanyeol, yifan’s childhood friend crashes on their couch for a while. they share stories and it’s great for a while as zitao learns more about li jiaheng through them, but after a while the feeling of having someone who knows yifan better than he does grows stale. yifan tells him to endure, that chanyeol is only staying for two weeks at most. it ends up being 3 months and zitao grows colder with each day.

12

one night after sex yifan holds zitao in his arms and tells him that sometimes he wonders how his life would’ve been if he hadn’t ended up with zitao. zitao’s stomach sinks as he realises that a life without him isn’t as impossible a thought to yifan as it is to zitao.

11

chanyeol comes again. zitao tells yifan that he’s staying with sehun. yifan wonders when zitaos softness became so hard to find.

10

zitao and yifan are in bed one night and zitao says aloud, ‘i just realised that tomorrow makes it 15 years since i last cut myself’. 

something in the air feels fragile and heavy at the same time. yifan pull tao in and curls himself around him, rests his hand on zitao’s hip and traces the seams of old scars with his calloused hands.

9

 

it’s yixing’s birthday party, and everyone attends. the air is thick with the smell of cheap cologne and even cheaper wine and everyone jokes about old age and old times, until the jokes start about old loves.

to be honest, no one is surprised when jongdae is the one making it awkward, joking about his ex wife. up to his gills in alcohol, it was only a matter of time until the festering wound made its presence known. 

‘i mean,’ jongdae raises his glass, ‘this party makes a pleasant change to how my evenings go - pulling yourself off to the thought of your ex wife does get to your pride after a while.’

cold leaks into the atmosphere, until yifan says, ‘at least you have someone to jerk off over. spare a thought for tao in his teenage years!’ he stresses with raised eyebrows. laughter tinkles through the air like clinking glasses, and the conversation picks itself up, dusts itself off, and carries on as before. zitao isn’t laughing.

later, out in the hallway while everyone else sways in the living room, zitao confronts yifan.

‘the fuck yifan? why would you joke about that?’ his tone angry but his eyes full of hurt, ‘you know that’s not something to bring up’

yifan does know - zitao had told him years ago, tears cracking his whispers in the dark, how someone had sexually assaulted him when he was 14; someone he’d trusted and thought he’d loved. ‘i was so scared someone would hurt me again - i vowed not to trust anyone with my heart anymore’ he had whispered into their linked hands. while it was common knowledge in their group that zitao hadn’t dated anyone before he started dating yifan at 23, no one had questioned why.

no one else knew. yifan was the first person tao had trusted in a long time, and it makes the betrayal he feels right now even more absolute.

‘i only wanted to make everyone more comfortable...’ yifan sheepishly offers in response.

zitao eyebrows draw together, and he shakes his head, backing away. his eyes are incredulous, almost in awe over how yifan could sacrifice so much of who zitao is for a cheap laugh amongst drunk friends. yifan just shrugs.

 

8

yifan wants them to move. again. 

‘it’s really nice’, he had justified ‘i promise you’ll like it more than you liked it here.’

but yifan knows that zitao is like a tree - that it takes him a while to lay down his roots and doesn’t want to go once he’s made his home. zitao looks at yifan, lips pursed, and says nothing. 

_i’ve already moved once for you_ , goes unsaid.

instead yifan takes zitao’s hands in his from where he sits across the table, and like a magician plucking birds out of the air, he presents reasons to zitao. this place was suffocating. they can go someplace warm and exciting. he knows tao has been unhappy here, and so its for the best that they leave, isn’t it?

yifan says all of this looking down at their intertwined hands like it’s easier to talk to zitao’s nail beds than his pinched expression. 

zitao just wishes yifan wasn’t so restless.

7

they do move, in the end. they move to a small village, because it’s ‘just what they needed after the bustle of the city’, even though zitao has always felt safer in crowds.

6

zitao has always been endlessly patient with yifan. yifan has a restless soul, with wandering eyes and flying dreams. yifan has always been water - always moving and always shifting. zitao, on the other hand has always been dry, hard packed earth. 

yifan snaps him out of his daydream by pointing out a holiday destination on the other side of the world. 

zitao looks at his life that’s covered in mud.

 

5

yifan is always pitching ideas tao. places to go, things to do, skills he wants to learn. they always imagine together. imagine if we did this, imagine if we went there. zitao is content to just imagine these silly dreams. 

today yifan talks of australia - the wild outback, white beaches and fearsome waves. zitao indulges his talk of horse riding and laughs, imagining learning how to surf and falling off all the time.

then yifan pulls over his laptop and starts booking flights then and there, and zitao voices that he doesn’t actually want to go. yifan pauses, struck, then jokes about going alone. 

this is the first time yifan has joked about leaving zitao behind. it turns out, it isn’t the last.

4

zitao has always been trying to grow flowers. gardening is good for the soul, his mother had always said. but back where he and yifan used to live they simply refused, no matter what fertiliser he bought or what remedies he searched online.

now, zitao grins down at the row of tulips in front of him - each one as bright and golden as the sun itself.

yifan is happy for him. at least that’s what his words say.

3

zitao decides to stop being vulnerable to yifan. yifan has always had a larger stride than tao anyway, so it makes sense that try as they might to walk together, zitao always sees yifan walking away from him. zitao shuts down the stinging in his chest and raises his chin. if yifan walks away tao isn’t going let yifan watch him crumble.

2

the moon is bright and oppressive the night zitao decides to ask yifan if he’s going to stay with him forever. yifan says yes. or once again, at least his words do.

1

despite bracing himself for impact, when yifan leaves it still knocks him flying. zitao tries to put himself back together, but there are parts of himself that he can’t find without yifan there anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> pls comment! if you liked it or hated it i value ur feedback <3
> 
> also if you want to cry abt angsty taoris w/ me find me on tumblr @richmomsuho


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